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A Book Fit for the Throne

ToiletNot only is America (The Book) a must have for Daily Show fans who read books, it is even the perfect addition to what I like to call the “Bathroom Library.” I tend to read most from my computer monitor; looking up news, web logs, weather, and of course pornography…is pornography reading? I really only read actual books for school (mostly textbooks) or in the bathroom.

I have been reading American (The Book) since just after Christmas. Though, I wouldn’t call it all reading. There’s a lot of photos and diagrams in the book so I guess I’ve been looking at it and reading it.

Anyway, I have been meaning to post something about America (The Book) as it truly is a great book despite all the mainstream hype. But since I could be as “mainstream” as the next guy, here’s an exerpt that is rich in hilarity to help you decide for yourself:

America (The Book)So You Want to Be a Precedent

By Stephen Colbert

Let’s face it, nobody wants to die, least of all me. Thankfully, I have achieved the immortality of celebrity, whereas if you paid for this book you’re probably not famous or else we would have given you a copy just to make sure it showed up at the “right” parties, if you know what I mean, which again, you probably don’t. My point is, the Wolf of Oblivion will soon be lapping his Eternal Tongue at your door, and none of your pleading will save you from the hungering darkness.

On the bright side, there is a way for your name to live forever in the annals of legal history. It’s called being a precedent, and if a no-name like Roe (not her real name) or that asshole Wade can do it, so can you!

It’s easy. First, have something awful happen to you, like getting arrested without being read your rights, not being allowed to go to school due to your race, or picking up a cup of coffee that’s a tad too hot. But–and this is important–you can’t have one of those. They’ve already been precedented. “Is ‘precedented’ even a word?” you may ask. Well, it is now, Noah-fucking-Webster. I just precedented it.

So, not only must it be something awful, but it has to be uniquely awful and constitutionally interesting. Then you’re in business! As of this writing, gay marriage is very hot. Unfortunately for you, a slew of gays (and “slew” is the correct term for more than one homosexual) have a head start on that one, so just marrying a gay man probably won’t cut it. You might have to marry two gay men. Or if polohomolygamy’s been done, make one of the gay mean a transgendered monkey who’s in a coma, and you want the right to pull the plug as one of its husbands…and heal it with prayer in our public schools.

Nobody said this was going to be easy. Think of yourself as a pioneer of suffering, and brace yourself for the excruciatingly slow turning of the wheels of justice. Remember: There were countless fugitive slaves, but only one – Dred Scott- had the patience to endure the vicissitudes of America’s legal system. But it was all worth it when he made it to the highest court in the land and was told by the chief justice that he was a) wrong and b) not a man, but a piece of property.

His true reward, however, would come years later, after he was dead and it was of no use to him. For his case was a precedent, and today it was discussed by historians, memorized by high-school students, and joked about by assholes like myself.

Care to join him?


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Stephen Colbert is the Chief Defender of International War Crimes at the World Court in The Hague. He is personally unpleasant.

I have no doubt overstepped the exerpt copyright rule by posting this and it should be only a matter of time before Stephen Colbert and his publisher posse try to rough me up. Good luck suckers, I’m way up here in Canada.